Watching the world go by

The years melt away...as seconds become minutes, minutes become hours.. that become days, weeks, months... years.. And while so much seems to be changing, so much more remains the same. I am the girl I was years ago.. scared, vulnerable.. yet strong and determined.. constantly trying to better myself, to shed my burdensome skin of negativity and yet realising that the more I do it the more I lose myself.. Constantly asking myself, what I will leave when I'm done here.. shall my little steps one day change the world? My thoughts, they take me away.. to a place that may never exist.. they choke me and at the same time give me life...

Today... like yesterday... and the day before.. I continue to search for my purpose, my being, my soul, my dreams.. these things... inextricably linked, intertwined and forever keeping me away from the edge.. away from the abyss that one day will engulf me, eat me whole and never spit me out...

In my quest I have learnt to love, to hate, to cry, to laugh, to embrace and to strangle... all this I have learnt from the world from which I come and to which I shall go. I look at the world in awe as it refuses to change even as the years go by... adamant, stubborn... like myself as I spread my hands out once more as if to fly... I laugh. I cry. I want so much to fly and yet I know it can never be so...not today.. not tomorrow.. but maybe in the next life I will watch the world go by perched upon a tree... until then, the years melt away...

Dotdotdot

The other day I was seriously contemplating finding a time machine... setting the date to sometime in 2008 and just staying there for a long while, while I regroup and figure out how I ended up where I am today... Then someone pointed out that even though I might feel like I want to be in the past, I know I really don't... so here I am... 6 long months into 2009 and realizing just how much I've come... and how much the world has gone... time has not stopped for me... and alas, she never will...

Whatever changes have occurred... one thing remains certain... all can never be undone. and even if some could be undone, whatever change we think we have made is likely to unearth just how much we cannot do... plus ca change... plus ca reste la meme... Indeed this year is really no different from the last or the one before...

So we find ourselves in that uncomfortable position where we realize our own insignificance in the bigger scheme of life.. and yet we do not give up... we should not... we cannot... for our significance lies not in the things we consciously hope to be appreciated for, but in the little things we do not even realize we're doing... the little change... I am told if I were a butterfly my flutter could cause a tsunami miles across the world... so each day I attempt to fly... hoping that my work can change the world... each day I fail... but tomorrow I will wake up, forget my failings of yesterday and take another leap... One day, I tell myself, one day I will fly..

Such is the way of spirited life...